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A Desperate Call to the Angel of Death from the Schizotypal
Scientist who is not Dead and not Alive at the Same Time So
here I am, lying here – bony, half conscious, barely alive. Death,
my good friend, where are you? My
body is limp, I can’t really move them. I do not recall how long I was here,
who took me here, nor where this is. Nothing is of my command – nose, not really
breathing; eyes, not exactly opened; hands, do I still have hands? Yet every
bone in my body – this I am keenly aware – is screaming – screaming PAIN! Yes….that’s
better……..someone gave me something. Must be my good friend morphine. In a
few moments I’ll drift into a dream, a dream where I do not know that I am
alive. Now before I go may I make one last plea – Death, where are you? I
remember now…….I’m here because I’m sick. My bones, they’re hurting because
they are sick. In fact most of my organs are sick. It was a cancer invasion.
Yes it was. I remember the day clear as day. It was an autumn morning in the
doctor’s office where the invasion was discovered. Then slowly, little by
little, these little aliens invaded me, took me over, ate me alive. Actually
they are nothing but me…….a bit like how the Earth is invaded little by
little by various people and is dying as a result of it. But oh this is alas
not the Global Alliance for Green Living Convention, nor the International
Ecology Conference where all the important people are there – ha! All the
important people, yes, each and every one of them a little alien with green
uniforms which they bought with green cash. Maybe
this is why I ended up here. Maybe this is why I’m punished. They hate me,
these little aliens, they hate me for my big GOD DAMNED mouth, which wouldn’t
shut up all my life for whatever I have to say. First they declared me
mentally unstable, then they dubbed me a schizotypal personality, then
unfortunately they discovered that I have metastatic cancer, then they
conveniently figured that my ‘psychiatrical’ problem was probably due to my
‘general medical condition’, since there’s a little alien colony in my brain
too. Then they realized how pitiable I am, and requested enough morphine for
me to bath in. I am made a saint – really, a saint. Those high school
classmates you know? Who remembers them anyway, except when they are dying or
when they have died, then you say – ‘Oh My God! I can’t believe it, that is
so very sad! You know he was kind of cute even though he wore those stupid
tight cartoon t-shirts and was such a geek! Well. That’s life. I guess we
won’t see him at the reunion…..speaking of that, let’s go shop for the outfit
for it!’ I am so touched. ‘Cute’ was never the word to describe me… Oh
but I diverge. I am here to call out to Death. Oh sacred Death, please
forgive me – all those things that I haven’t yet done in life, yes, I’ve
wasted my time. Forgive me that I never believed in you, or anything else –
please do not abandon me here just now – here in this space with eyes that do
not open and nose that relies on machine and a body that’s already full of
stench. I come back to you oh lord or whatever life is I resign all my
previous beliefs I am open WIDE OPEN to whatever the truth is JUST DON’T
ABANDON ME HERE………… Where
can he possibly be, this angel of Death? I’ve been waiting, waiting for
months. I’ve lived my long time here on Earth and it’s time, oh it’s time. My
family’s voices coming in and out of my head. They are here? Maybe they are
not? They are tired. I am tired. I woke each day (or night? I’m not sure) for
a couple of minutes where if I’m lucky I have a dance with Ms. Morphine. Or
if I’m not my body reminds me of what a horrible person I was. Who was I? I
don’t really know. What was past was gone as always, but nothing like pain in
the ‘now’ makes the past so far and away. It’s as if I cannot believe it has
come down to this. Was
I wrong? Was I wrong? Oh Death you torture me…….some people have it so fast,
so fast that they couldn’t even see you coming…..but me, me here lying
helpless a pile of smelly tissue half rotten, I have all the time to go over
and over again…..was I wrong? Tell
me, was it because of those who loved me who I didn’t love back? Was it my stubbornness
or selfish need to accomplish? What have I missed? What I could have said or
done? Oh yes you may punish me all you can I suppose……I see it now…..I was
wrong, so many times before. Death,
he is late. What could he possibly be doing? Oh for a scientist like me to
say that someone like Death must be able to go everywhere at any given
nanosecond……oh they are to laugh at me, my colleagues. Actually we all were
little aliens too scared to admit that in front of one’s grave one has no
name but God to call. Whatever God is. Death, is something like God no? So
the clock is ticking. I’m drifting in delirium, I know that. But time is
nothing here before Miss Morphine comes to breastfeed me. There is no time in
waiting. Only the absence of what is wanted. If only I understood the concept
of eternity so well, I would have written something that could have won me a
Nobel prize, whatever it means to win any stupid award. Oh
Death, please come…….I have been too much a philosopher in waiting for you.
Now it is time for the truth with no theory attached. Oh is it the medication
working? That’s better yes. Miss Morphine never lets me down. Somewhere in
the background I heard the shuffling of footsteps and music far away…….I
would be waiting even in my dream, for those bells which will ring three
times, peace, peace, peace. Grace is
a member of the Class of 2008 |
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